The Art of Becoming
As my time here at Maynooth is running short, I've done a lot of reflecting on everything I've done, where I've been, and what I am becoming. There has been a beautiful shift in many of my attitudes, from remaining the girl laying in the sun the second it shines through, to growing into a headstrong woman who can navigate her way through a city that doesn't speak her language or culture.
I am becoming more forgiving, including towards myself. Mistakes are something that I will never be able to rid of my life, so owning up to them sooner rather than later just helps with the process of moving on and finding the next step. Maybe I should have searched harder for a closer hostel to the city center of Galway, or gone to more club and society meetings and tried harder to make more Irish friends, or learned more Italian before I hopped on a plane, but I’ve made it this far, and there’s nothing my regrets can do to change what has already happened.
I am becoming adaptive and confident. Being in so many unexpected and challenging situations have impacted me, like being in the middle of Naples knowing two words in Italian and nothing about how to go anywhere, or unexpectedly having to deal with a broken phone and finding a trustworthy replacement just before leaving the country. Unexpected problems are perhaps the most stressful and frustrating, but because they are bigger, they have more power to carve some of our behaviors to be stronger. A friend told me before I left that I will walk differently when I get back, I will stand taller. I don’t know that my posture has changed, but I know that learning how to jaywalk like the locals on streets where they drive on the left side of the road and surviving the Beast from the East has shrunk the hesitation and fear I have.
I am becoming patient. I am learning how to take a deep breath and work through situations with a clear head that devises solutions instead of blame, and grant the people closest to me the grace that I maintain for people who don’t know me as well. Being here, I am learning patience and openness to not having control over everything. I’ve noticed that feeling powerless is one of my most frustrating emotions, and it often gets the better of me, sending me into irritability and other negative defensive feelings. I’m also coming to realize that learning to be patient isn’t easy and I’m not just suddenly going to be blessed with blissful calm; it is still frustrating and lots of work to get through how I feel about a situation before getting to the point of letting go. Patience is something I’ve always had difficulty with, and it may never come easily to me.
I am becoming a stride, a work in progress, constantly drafting new goals for myself to keep myself always improving, always pushing to new depths. I am becoming a more realistic optimist, weighing the facts and emotions, but still finding the sun peeking through any clouds I see. I agree with what a classmate said; this experience abroad has been validation for things I was already capable of, already strong enough to do. It was confirmation that I am just as strong, patient, and independent as I was before, and different places have just placed me in situations where I could see what I’m able to do. Again, like my classmate said, I don’t feel like I’m actually different, but maybe I have just matured more, become a little older. I still have the same fears and anxieties, but I’ve found tools and strategies to refuse their power over me. I am always growing and the boundaries of my identity will always be changing.
I am becoming more forgiving, including towards myself. Mistakes are something that I will never be able to rid of my life, so owning up to them sooner rather than later just helps with the process of moving on and finding the next step. Maybe I should have searched harder for a closer hostel to the city center of Galway, or gone to more club and society meetings and tried harder to make more Irish friends, or learned more Italian before I hopped on a plane, but I’ve made it this far, and there’s nothing my regrets can do to change what has already happened.
I am becoming adaptive and confident. Being in so many unexpected and challenging situations have impacted me, like being in the middle of Naples knowing two words in Italian and nothing about how to go anywhere, or unexpectedly having to deal with a broken phone and finding a trustworthy replacement just before leaving the country. Unexpected problems are perhaps the most stressful and frustrating, but because they are bigger, they have more power to carve some of our behaviors to be stronger. A friend told me before I left that I will walk differently when I get back, I will stand taller. I don’t know that my posture has changed, but I know that learning how to jaywalk like the locals on streets where they drive on the left side of the road and surviving the Beast from the East has shrunk the hesitation and fear I have.
I am becoming patient. I am learning how to take a deep breath and work through situations with a clear head that devises solutions instead of blame, and grant the people closest to me the grace that I maintain for people who don’t know me as well. Being here, I am learning patience and openness to not having control over everything. I’ve noticed that feeling powerless is one of my most frustrating emotions, and it often gets the better of me, sending me into irritability and other negative defensive feelings. I’m also coming to realize that learning to be patient isn’t easy and I’m not just suddenly going to be blessed with blissful calm; it is still frustrating and lots of work to get through how I feel about a situation before getting to the point of letting go. Patience is something I’ve always had difficulty with, and it may never come easily to me.
I am becoming a stride, a work in progress, constantly drafting new goals for myself to keep myself always improving, always pushing to new depths. I am becoming a more realistic optimist, weighing the facts and emotions, but still finding the sun peeking through any clouds I see. I agree with what a classmate said; this experience abroad has been validation for things I was already capable of, already strong enough to do. It was confirmation that I am just as strong, patient, and independent as I was before, and different places have just placed me in situations where I could see what I’m able to do. Again, like my classmate said, I don’t feel like I’m actually different, but maybe I have just matured more, become a little older. I still have the same fears and anxieties, but I’ve found tools and strategies to refuse their power over me. I am always growing and the boundaries of my identity will always be changing.
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